3 Steps to Recover From a Conflict Hangover

You know that feeling you get when a conversation just doesn’t go the way you hoped it would?

We've all had times when we've been having a discussion and suddenly things get tough-- your chest feels tight, a knot forms in your gut, your face gets flush-- you know when you're it.

Suddenly you are saying things you don't mean, blaming, finger-pointing, and generally not behaving in alignment with your highest self. Then later you're sitting in your car replaying the conversation and dread creeps in accompanied with its two sidekicks, guilt and shame.

You feel awful about the conversation: you're in a conflict hangover. What do you do?

Terrible conversations can drive wedges in relationships and lead to ongoing or perpetual conflict, but they don't have to. 

Whenever I am in a conflict hangover, this is how I end the shame spiral and take back control.

Step 1: Stop and breathe

When we are operating from our highest self, we are using our prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain where we make logical decisions.

When we are in a fight-or-flight situation it means our amygdala has taken over. This means we've disconnected from higher-thinking and have reverted to the sky is falling! thinking.

Since we can't operate two parts of the limbic system at once, one will win. 

To regain control we need something to interrupt the doom-and-gloom cycle in our head, and this can be accomplished by one simple thing: breathing.

When we stop and breathe, we move activity from the hyper-activated amygdala to the prefrontal cortex where our rational thinking lives. Once we engage our pre-frontal cortex by slowing down our breathing we can then begin to think logically about the situation.

For this activity I suggested box breathing (inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four). 

Step 2: Accept responsibility

Even if the other person "started it" by raising their voice, we always get a choice in how to respond. How did you choose to respond in this situation?

Jocko Willink, retired US Navy Seal and author of the book Extreme Ownership states, 

“If mistakes happen, effective leaders don’t place blame on others. They take ownership of the mistakes, determine what went wrong, develop solutions to correct those mistakes and prevent them from happening again as they move forward.”

We are always contributing to the problem or to the solution, so accept your responsibility and commit to a solution.

Step 3: Decide how you will handle that situation differently next time. 

Michael Bungay Stanier teaches in The Coaching Habit that before we can change our habits, we must first become aware of the cause of the trigger. 

He uses a process he calls the “New Habit Audit” that goes like this:

“When This Happens...

Instead Of...

I Will...”

When This Happens... Janet comes to my office and tells me she needs more time off to care for her cat.

Instead of... Getting frustrated, rolling my eyes, and thinking about how much more I have to work if another person takes more time off.

I Will ...Ask her if she has talked to a team member to fill in, so her shift is covered.

Or

When This Happens... My mother calls me insisting I come home for the holidays

Instead of... Arguing with her and eating a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies

I Will... Stick with my boundaries, tell her I love her, but I'm just not able to make it this year (cookies rescued from destruction).

If there is a situation that comes to mind that you’d like to never repeat again, then sit down, and go through the New Habit Audit. Time may have passed but if the conversation is still replaying in your head, then do yourself a favor and create a plan so you never have to experience the same thing again.

In my next post I’ll be discussing how to preserve the relationship post-conflict. While I get that it’s not always possible to go back and fix things after a conflict, there may be times when the door is still open for repair, so keep following if you want to learn how.

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